Dear Chase,

I just paid my monthly credit card bill and noticed that the finance charge was $33.85 and the minimum payment was $34. I am curious - how is the finance charge used by the company? Do you invest it in any kind of fund? Is there a mob boss? Where does it go?

Also, understanding the basics of math, I realized that I was paying $.15 towards the principle. With my debt being a shade over $1000 at this rate, with no late fees, raises in interest rates, or additional charges, I will pay off my credit card in 6,666 months, or 555 years.

Someday down the road, hopefully very soon (but not likely), I will be able to afford to pay higher than the minimum monthly balance. See, I used to have a decent paying job that allowed me to afford the luxuries, like toilet paper and doctor's appointments. Now, I am but a lowly student and using you to scrape by, paying of the balance bit by miserable bit.

However, I would like to suggest a more creative alternative to paying my minimum monthly balance: I would like to voluntarily become an indentured servant of the Chase credit card company.

I am capable of many kinds of servitude. While I am formally trained in the field of technological communications, I am great to have around the house. I am a decent cook - I make omelets, excellent lasagna, and even crepes. I am also very good at cleaning. Anything. You name it - floors, bathrooms, office spaces. I'll clean chairs, coffeepots, filing cabinets, lots of things. You won't even have to tell me - I can look at your space and you can leave me alone for a while and I'll just clean the whole thing. You'll be surprised when you come back to find that the space you left me in not only a few hours ago is spic and span.

Would you like me to be a personal shopper? While I haven't been known as the best gift giver within a budget (hence my credit card bill), I'll try to be better for you. If you tell me it's your mother-in-law's birthday, or maybe the anniversary of when you merged with Bank One (coming up on two years this May, guys! Get with the program!), I'd be fairly capable of buying the right gift to mark the occasion.

What else? Do you have crops? Fields? Acres of untended land? While I am not a farmer, I know that in the old days many indentured servants used to tend the fields of a lord. Should you need this kind of work done, I certainly think I could figure out how to plant and sow, reap, harvest. Y'know. All that stuff. My grandparents had a farm.

Also, I imagine that you have a lot of folks indebted to you that would much rather declare bankruptcy than pay you. Obviously that results in lower profits for you. While I am not a threatening individual to look at, I took a few classes in Aikido while on study abroad a couple years ago. This was taught to me as a martial art of self-defense, not offense, but I would consider acting in defense of your honor an act of self-defense. Just point me in the direction of someone who owes you money and I'll take care of them. You won't even be troubled with it - you'll just get the check.

I leave it up to you if you want to take me up on it. I can certainly provide enough service to your company to pay off the debt and a considerable amount of the interest that you might have otherwise accumulated. While indentured servitude might be somewhat outdated and I think technically illegal I'm sure we could figure this out to be a mutually beneficial arrangement without legal or PR consequences.

I would also be willing to be a concubine. Just so you know...

Labels: chase, concubine, credit card, indentured servant